ToP SECrEt
by The Disposable Villain
Summary: Izuku's doing his absolute best to get over his mom's death like he knows he's meant to, but he has no idea how, and he's certain that whatever is in the box All Might wants him to find isn't going to help. [OchaTsu] [Trans Midoriya] [Dad Might]


**Hey all! For those of you who don't know me, I'm Elliot. I'm relatively new to the fandom and I'm still working out character voices. Here's a BNHA one-shot where Izuku's mom is dead and he's trying to deal with it lol. Just a note - Toshinori was not in love with her, but he loved her and loves Midoriya like he's their family so he's just taking care of him and they moved in when Inko got sick because Izuku couldn't take care of her alone. Okay I think that's it. Enjoy!**

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**CW: Panic attacks, grief, slight self-harm, death and hints towards cancer**

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A fly buzzed around the living room's butter yellow light. Izuku huffed and swatted at it, but missed. "Shut up."

"Leave the poor thing alone." Ochako grinned. "Don't take your anger out on it just because you're losing."

"I'm _not_ losing." Izuku crossed his legs and leaned forward on the couch. His elbows rested on the crook of either knee, and he smashed the buttons on his controller. He got too much like Kacchan when he was getting competitive, but Ochako never minded.

He was about to pass her - okay, and maybe accidentally-on-purpose bump her a little – but he was too close, and a blue shell shot at them and hit them both.

"Motherfucking!" Izuku growled as his character tumbled off the rainbow road track.

Ochako groaned but managed to stay on the track. She began driving again just as Izuku was lifted out of space, onto the road. "This is what we get for picking this road."

"It's gay," Izuku snorted, "and it's after midnight; did you really expect us to pick anything else?"

"No." Ochako overtook the two other cars and took the lead just in time to flash over the finish line.

Izuku grimmaced as he slid into third place, just between Bowser and Peach. "Damn it."

Ochako shook her head and leaned back into the couch cushions. "You knew this would happen." She took a sip of the beer in her bottle. "I always beat you at _Mario Kart_."

"That's rude." Izuku tossed his controller onto the table and snatched his cider. He drained the end of the bottle. "I can't believe I lost that. I'm meant to have gay privilege with rainbow road."

Ochako shot him with a finger. "Yeah, but Luigi's bi. Disaster bi plus gay road equals happy bi player."

"But I'm trans and I was playing Yoshi!"

Ochako shook her head. "Sorry, Deku. Yoshi is a distinguished trans character. Luigi's a disaster bi, and that road is for disasters. You had trans gay privelege, but I had disaster and bi privelege combined so like..." She grinned. "Privelege squared."

"God." Izuku laughed. "You're such a nerd."

"Says you!" Ochako whacked him with one of the cushions, and then stretched. "I think I'm going to go to bed."

Izuku tilted his head towards her. "Please, Uraraka - one more game. You can pick this time."

"Maybe-" Ochako yawned and glanced at the clock. "No. No, sorry, Deku. It's nearly two, and I have work tomorrow."

Izuku folded his arms. "You work behind the counter at an arts and crafts store. How hard could it be?"

"You don't have to deal with my manager." Ocahko rolled her eyes and reached over to ruffle Izuku's hair. "And you should get home. All Might will be worried."

Izuku caught her hand. "He was in bed before I even left. One more game. Or an episode of something."

"Deku-"

"Come on, _please_!"

Fuck. Ochako paused and looked at him. "Are you okay?" Fuck, fuck, fuck. Why'd he say it like that? "Do you want to talk about it?"

Izuku looked away and raised his bottle to take another drink before remembering it was empty. "It's nothing. I'm fine," he sighed. Ochako's jaw tightened. "I'm just bored."

"Fine." Ochako stood up. Her dark brown bangs came loose from her ponytail, falling down her front. "You know the way out. I'll see you later."

Izuku winced as Ochako slammed her door. He squeezed his eyes shut. He shouldn't have said that. He should _not_ have said that. But he shouldn't have said please either. Fuck.

He hit his head against the back of the cushions. It didn't hurt. Not the way he wanted it to- fuck. Now he had to kink shame himself. Wait, that didn't make sense. He squinted up at the light. The fly was perched on the ceiling, just behind the bulb. Memes made even less sense than he was used to when he was drunk.

He sighed and looked at the screen. His eyelids felt heavy - he hadn't slept properly in days. He reached up a hand to rub one of his eyes, but it only made it itchier. And sore. He sighed and dropped his hand to find the remote. He managed to salvage it from in between the couch cushions and he turned off the television.

He needed to sleep, but his stomach was already sliding down the growing pit of foreboding. His nails dug into the palms of his hands as he left Ochako's apartment. He left the door open. Her girlfriend worked a night shift on Fridays and wouldn't be back for a while more.

The walk home was dark, and he wasn't meant to walk it alone, though he often did it – through the dimly lit hospital and up through the estate behind the old soccer pitch. It wasn't the best neighbourhood. The door creaked as he unlocked it and he froze, but he could hear Toshinori snoring upstairs. He locked the front door behind him and crept up to his room.

The snoring paused. He squeezed his eyes shut. He couldn't wake him up, couldn't burden him- No. No, he wasn't meant to think like that. His nails dug into his palms as the snoring started again. He shouldered his way into his room and kicked it closed behind him. The darkness welcomed him, soothed him.

It wasn't complete darkness. He had black-out blinds, but even with that, it was hard to get any room with windows completely dark in Japan. The lights from the street peeked up at his ceiling from the narrow gap between the curtains and the window, and below, he could hear the sounds of light night traffic.

Izuku dropped onto his bed and sank into the comforting mattress. His body ached - he hadn't noticed it until he lay down. He didn't even pull his blanket over him. He just let himself slip away.

The flashing blue lights melted the darkness beneath his eyes, and rasping breath replaced the silence.

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Izuku didn't get up until Toshinori woke him with a call of his name seconds before he barrelled into the room and clambered onto the bed for a hug. Izuku groaned and squeezed his eyes shut. "All Might- All Might, please, quiet- I just woke up-"

"Oh, okay." Toshinori quieted for a moment and Izuku ran a hand through his blond hair. "Do you want to get up and help with breakfast?"

It wasn't a question and Izuku knew it. "Sure, just- give me a moment." He rubbed his eyes. He was still shaking.

It took Toshinori a second to notice. "Are you okay?"

"I'm fine." Even his voice shook. "Just a bad dream."

Toshinori nodded and rested his chin on Izuku's head. "Alright." After a minute of silence, he climbed off the bed. The wooden frame creaked under his weight. "Come on – you need to finish unpacking today too."

Izuku pursed his lips. "What about breakfast?"

"Tidy your room first – then we'll sort something out."

He glanced around as Toshinori left. They'd moved in weeks ago, but he had never unpacked fully. He had to study for his exams, and work, and draw at the start of the holidays after not being able to for six months, and help his mom. He closed his eyes. Maybe Ochako would save him- no. No, it was Christmas Eve. She would be working and busy with Tsu, who would be avoiding her family. And she wouldn't want to hang out with him anyway. Not after the previous night.

He dragged himself out of bed and to the kitchen. He could at least get a piece of toast before starting. Toshinori was leaning over the counter as he walked in, playing a game on his phone as he waited for the kettle to boil – _Boom Beach_ or something of the sort. Neither of them spoke as Izuku stuck the bread down, waited, and then buttered his toast.

Just as he was taking a bite, Toshinori grunted and pumped a fist in the air. Izuku raised an eyebrow. "Did you win?"

"I _demolished_ him." Toshinori grinned and pushed his sleeves up his arms. They fell down again almost instantly. "Look at this-" He pushed the phone towards Izuku. "He's a level fifty and I beat him at thirty."

Izuku rolled his eyes but smiled. "You play that too much. You were level twenty yesterday."

"Yeah, I went up ten levels in a day. That's how _awesome_ I am."

"Holy shit."

"I'm legen – wait for it – dary! _Legendary_!" Toshinori grinned and Izuku snorted before finishing his toast. He went to pour a glass of water as Toshinori started a new game, but the match was paused almost instantly. Izuku glanced around to see Toshinori watching him. "You need to start training again after Christmas."

Izuku swallowed a mouthful of water in lieu of answering and left the kitchen. He still had to unpack, apparently.

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This was precisely why he didn't want to unpack. The room had been messy for weeks, he still didn't know where his charger was, and the dusty yellow carpet was making his allergies act up, but he had put it all off because of _that fucking box_.

He hadn't wanted to find it again. Not even when Toshinori had gone to him in tears at two in the morning asking if he'd seen it anywhere. Of course he hadn't, and he had made a point of not looking for it because he never wanted to open it.

It wasn't in his room, of course. It wasn't even in one of the boxes near there. His shoulders had been tense the hour he spent moving stacks of books off his desk to his bookshelf and clothes up to the washing machine, but of course she wouldn't have put it in his room – she hated the idea of him finding things too soon – but after breakfast he'd been forced into the attic to get the last of the Christmas decorations. Most of them had been put up on the seventh of the month, but there were one or two boxes Toshinori still wanted to put up, though neither of them really wanted to celebrate.

A little too late, considering the day, but he wasn't in the mood to argue. It was better than staring at his phone screen, switching between the same three apps for five hours, he supposed.

He was wrong.

He found the box buried under the baubles and tinsel in another box – brown and with a star drawn on it in haphazard blue with **ToP SECrEt** written across it. He should have hidden it.

But his feet carried him down the ladder to Toshinori. "Here's the decorations – I need to go shower before my allergies act up. You start pulling things out." He left and turned on the shower, but crept up to just outside the kitchen door until he heard a sniffle, and then back down to the bathroom. When he returned half an hour later with damp hair and fresh clothes, Toshinori was sitting on the couch with red-rimmed eyes and the tinsel and baubles separated, and no box in sight.

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It wasn't gone long. The box appeared again the next day, only it wasn't in the box anymore. It sat under the tree in the kitchen; only four things were there, and two were for Izuku. He gave Toshinori his presents first. A card holder because he kept misplacing his wallet, and a _Dumbo_ mug. He loved Disney films.

Then Izuku opened the first present. It was squishy, and safe. A hoodie – black with **Carpe Noctum** printed across it in white over a line of flowers. He hugged Toshinori for a full minute, to put it off. To put _it _off.

Toshinori gave him a squeeze. "You've got another one under the tree there." Izuku didn't move. "It's from your mom."

Izuku's throat closed up but he climbed off the side of the chair and moved back to the tree. It was small this year – half of the size it was at his apartment. Then again, his mom hadn't even known that it was December. It was Toshinori's apartment. It was on top of the coffee table. Usually Toshinori had the tree in the corner, by the television, but the hospital bed had gone there. If he turned around, he could almost pretend the tree wasn't there, but then he had to acknowledge that the bed was missing.

He picked up the last parcel, wrapped in tidy red. Something was off. Toshinori couldn't wrap well. His hands shook and he sat down on the couch in his spot. He hooked his fingers under gaps in the paper, not wanting to tear it.

He never even wanted the fucking book, but his mother smiled up at him from nineteen years before in a plastic slot attached to the leather cover. In her arms, a pink faced baby peered up at him. He opened the book, and on the first page was a card in a similarly coloured red envelope with gold writing reading his name.

**_Izuku_**

Toshinori also couldn't write in cursive. Instead of opening it, Izuku clutched the envelope to his chest and tried to breathe. Hot tears dripped down his cheeks. Breathe. Breathe. Fucking breathe, you useless piece of _shit_.

Toshinori bundled him into his arms. "It's okay." His breath was hot against Izuku's ear. "It's okay." Izuku shook his head and buried his head in Toshinori's shoulder. It wasn't. "It's only been a week.

He did. He did know, and heat rushed to Izuku's face along with a fresh bout of tears. He was being a child- Toshinori was hurting too. Why couldn't he just fucking grow up? His chest tightened and he tried to dry his tears on the back of his pyjama sleeve. It was a set his mom had gotten him – an All Might set. He wanted to stop. If it had been him instead of her-

He knew he wasn't meant to think like that. He knew, logically, that if it were him, his mom and Toshinori would have been devastated, and everyone would have been hurting just as much. But his mind didn't like logical, and all it did was try to persuade him that if it had been him, everyone would have been secretly relieved because they would no longer have to deal with his transition and depression and anxiety and-

Toshinori gave him a hard squeeze, and it was just enough to draw him out of it. "I've got you."

Izuku swallowed and shifted so he could look at the card in his hand. He slowly opened the envelope, using the same care as he had the wrapping paper. A red card with a drawing of a green rabbit in the snow slid out. He had to take a few deep breaths to steady himself before he could open it.

_**Izuku**_, it read,_ **I'm so proud of you and the young man you're becoming. I know this is hard, but we'll get through it. Now come over and give me a hug; it'll be okay. Merry Christmas, my little hero. Lots of love, Mom.**_

Izuku clamped his eyes shut and a sob escaped his mouth, squeezing through gritted teeth. He hid his face in Toshinori's shirt. "I love you," he whispered. "I'm sorry. I'm sorry."

"It's okay," Toshinori repeated, but his voice cracked. He held Izuku tight again. "I love you too."

Once Izuku managed to calm down, they went through the book. They had to take breaks, but every hour or so, they'd pick it up and go through a few more. Sometimes, Izuku would take them out and look at the writing on the back.

**_Hisashi on right – can he dance?_**

**_Hisashi and Inko's wedding – 27/06/99._**

**_Izumi's Izuku's first day of school._**

**_First birthday/Thirtieth birthday celebrations – 01/08/00._**

He kept going back to one – just the one– until Toshinori eventually told him he could take it out of the photobook. Izuku protested at first; he wanted to keep them together. But the photo eased him when he woke up at night and forgot that his mom was dead.

It was old and simple, similar to the cover one. It was taken at their old apartment, with the horrible blue floral wallpaper that they all made fun of. His mom was passed out, stretched across the faded red couch, one leg slumped on the carpet. Her hair was still all there and there was no grey at the time, splayed across the arm of the couch like she had been electrocuted (he was probably meant to say like a halo, but fuck that). Izuku was young enough to look like a baby boy, curled up on his mom's chest, eyes closed. He was drooling on his mom's red shirt, and her glasses were pushed up on her forehead to keep her fringe out of the way. His mom had written on the back of that picture too, and drawn a tiny baby rabbit in smudged blue pen.

Years later, he got the writing and the rabbit on the photo tattooed on his chest, over his heart.

_**Sleep child of mine as the stars shine above; I love you as much as a mother can love.**_

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**Oof hope you enjoyed. This was very autobiographical and just me projecting onto Izuku lmao sorry. Please review and I hope to see you in the future!**


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